Chlamydia ridden milkshake!

Dear all of my massive 4 (as results show) readers.




Thank you for reading my posts regardless of your opinion. I do believe that there are at least 5 readers because last week someone informed me that they had read my post and the number of people who selected "read it" didn't rise. The majority of people who did read last week's post were under the impression that this was some "Stephen Hawkins" like hobby. By that I mean the kind of hobby that makes someone sound like a techno/computer geek, not someone with major paralysis. Not that I am, by any means, slagging off Stephen Hawkins. He is an incredibly intelligent specimen. I fear I may have just dug a rather large hole. Any who, back to the point, the fact is that this blog is a requirement from one of my employers (step-dad). And although I enjoy it, it isn't a pastime of mine.

About a week ago I received a letter from the NHS informing me about free Chlamydia tests for people of my age range. The letter lists an array of different symptoms of Chlamydia and how it can be treated. At first I cackled this off as my "sex life" is, shall we say, non-existent. However, at school today we had an assembly lecturing us on teenage pregnancy (at which point I had correctly guessed in front of 200 people that 40% of teenagers in Year 11 or below had lost their virginity - an educated guess that went a little too right) and contraception and then Chlamydia. The nurses who lectured us professed that what they were doing was not lecturing and nagging - just informing. The fact is they were lecturing and nagging and I don't blame them because the topics they were discussing are a problem and so often I hear the aesthetically more attractive students in school chatting about there Johnny-less sex.

Anyway, the nurses said that anyone that wanted one could, at the end of the assembly, collect a plastic pot and a basic details form for us to fill in. The aim being to urinate in the pot and give it back to them with the form. We were then given the choice of receiving our results via SMS, telephone, letter or email. I feel it necessary to highlight that the scheme is called COAST (Chlamydia, Outreach, Advice, Screening, Treatment) and, therefore, should you not have the infection your text or whatever informs you that the "coast is clear". This was intended to be some kind of code but by now everyone knows what it means - so it's basically just silly. I am intrigued, however, on what it would say if you had actually contracted the infection, perhaps, "the coast is not clear, there is an infestation of crabs".

When they first told us that we could do this I immediately thought that doing that would be pointless for me - until I realised that you gain a pair of yellow and black boxers with the slogan: "good clean tackle". However, I then had a thought. There are so many stories of people finding spit or semen in their cheeseburgers at McDonalds or wherever and, therefore, there was a possibility that someone in McDonalds could have had a cheeky 5 minutes on their own with my burger or more worryingly - my milkshake - the perfect camouflage. For this reason I took a pot and a form, filled the form in and went to the loo. I couldn't wee. 10 am and I hadn't drunk anything. This meant that I would have to return to the toilets that I normally dare not enter for hygiene reasons. On my second visit, I succeeded, just. I wrapped the label firmly around the pot and put in the plastic bag attached to the form and minced down the corridor to hand in my sample.

This was the location in which I would receive my boxers. To my eyes there was a choice of yellow or purple. I wanted purple. They were for girls and were in fact not boxers and, thus, the nurses kindly informed me that they would be a bit of a squeeze and for that reason I left the room with yellow boxers - my least favourite colour. What a waste of time. So now it is just a case of finding out whether my milkshake was contaminated, via email, in the next week. I'm pretty certain my coast is clear.

Now, due to the fact that this blog is supposed to be related to beds and furniture I shall discuss the benefits of having a King Size quilt on a single bed.

Yesterday I drank a milkshake and decided that the duvet etc needed changing :P Joke! My mother put my bedding in the wash yesterday and I requested the possibility of having a king size quilt on my single bed. My mother kindly obliged. So at about 7.30 pm, the duvet cover was ready and so I gathered it from the tumble dryer and proceeded to put over my quilt as normal. Now it is probably sensical (made up word) to inform you that I find this task nearing the limits of my practical ability with a single cover and because of this is took me 25 minutes to complete the task of putting the duvet cover on. But oh how it was worth it! I can now fully wrap my self more than once in this absolute tsunami of duvet at night. There is room for me and several pizzas. It is nothing short of bliss! I do have a peculiar necessity to fold the quilt over my feet due to my hatred of feet sticking out of the end of a quilt. And with a king size duvet, it's stupendously easy.

Now forgive me because I have noticed my incessant swapping in the previous paragraph between the words duvet and quilt. I do not think I know myself which one I prefer. I suppose I say quilt, but prefer the word duvet because it's French and I love French.

I think it is probably time to call an end to this week's post as you are now almost certainly at the point of "when does this end?" and you probably reached that point a paragraph in. I shall look forward to more people clicking "Read it" so feel free to promote and importantly comment.

xxxx