This title could not possibly summarise the following text.

Dear all 7-9 readers. I can officially start my post this week on a high note. After moaning last week about a distinct lack in readers, the number has increased by a staggering 200%. Nine - sorry - NINE people read it! This, of course, doesn't sound like a lot, but when four readers is a good week nine forces you to refrain for urinating uncontrollably into your y-fronts. I also attained seven reader this week. Again, outstanding. I can and will only commend those who read it. Thanks.

Somewhere in the midst of last week's post I mentioned a clear lack in interesting news, notably, the election. How wrong I was. For 17.30 on that fateful day saw the announced resignation of the beloved Gordon Brown. I shall forever miss his cheeky grin and sneaky comments. However, David Cameron has taken us under his finally pruned wing, where we shall see foxes slaughtered once more, and unemployment rise yet again. Or perhaps not. Davo and Nicki may do a fabulous job and lift us out of this economic turmoil. Then again, maybe not. I do find the facebook group "this volcano has stopped more immigrants in 2 days than Labour in 12 years" Although, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against LEGAL immigrants.

Naturally, the economic crisis in this country has been hyperbolised by the media. However, it has its effect on nearly every business - Including AAA Bedz. People are simply not buying - and they need to. For my sake, and the countres sake - but mainly for my sake. Mon bon amie Emily Roe, has every faith in the ability in the party that delivered propoganda-like leaflets to her home on horseback no less. This is her letter to Prime Minister David Cameron.

Dear David Cameron,



While I am fully aware that you have a plethora of alternative tasks and errands of which hold much more importance than reading my letter, I felt it was my duty as a child of Great Britain to congratulate you on your new role in government; as Prime Minister.


I am a teenage girl of 16 years old, I attend my local comprehensive school in Barton-Upon-Humber and I’m currently taking my GCSEs (and should be revising). Your political yet charismatic flair combined with over-whelming intelligence and, of course, pulchritudinous face has inspired me over my years. As my knowledge of the country's economic and political state increases, my liking for yourself; Conservatives and your policies grows also.


Unfortunately, I was unable to vote in the recent election. Nevertheless I was thrilled that the party voted in my constituency was, naturally, Conservative. Although I was disappointed and quite honestly disillusioned that you did not obtain an over-all majority, I am delighted that you are currently Prime Minister and consequently I have no doubt that the country will be an enhanced and superior realm because of it. Although, hypothetically, the coalition government will not work due to differing policies, I’m positive that you will unequivocally formulate an incredibly strong government.


I would love to have a career in politics or political journalism and if you could kindly offer me some advice in doing so, it would be tremendously appreciated. Politics is my passion and I am fascinated in the modifications you may convey. I have a multitude of opinions and ideas myself, although I am far inferior to you, I hope you will appreciate my insight in to E.M.A. My parents earn sufficient amount of money and understandably I am not able to claim for E.M.A. However, I have a friend who lives with her mother only – as her parents are divorced. Next year she will be ‘awarded’ £30 a week plus additional bonuses over the Christmas period. Although rightfully she should get this money as her household income is below the amount which is required - her father is earning £100,0000 per annum. I think this is unacceptable. An alternative to this could be vouchers, free bus passes and free dinners. Which would in-fact suffice for all that is intended by E.M.A. This would also discourage students to spend their money on alcohol, cigarettes and drugs and its related paraphernalia.


Thank you for your time.


Yours sincerely,


Emily Roe.
 
Milly, I must personally commend your efforts into improving society by contacting our newly "elected" Prime Minister. Your letter adressed to him is stupendously insightful and accurately portrays issues regarding modern society. Lol.
 
I was requested last week by my boss to include more links to AAA Beds. That's AAA Bedz if you missed it the first time. This is the place we should venture or (presuming you are a friend of my own) our parents should venture to, should they desire: a bed, bedroom furniture or any other piece of miscellanoeus furniture. There is quite an array of available and, more importantly, cheap items.
 
To conclude this week's post I shall list things that have occured within the week and I wil rate them out of ten in good-ness.
 
Gordon Brown resigns - 3/10
Nottingham Forest exit the Championship play-offs -500/10
Conservatives and Lib Dems form coalition government - 7/10
David Cameron made PM - 5/10
Chelsea win FA Cup - 2/10
Volcano erupts again - 0/10

Purchase of R:E revision book - 2/10

 

That means that the last week rates at -481/70, I think.

 

Enjoy, click "read it". Have a good week. Look at pictures below.

 

Monsieur Clegg.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our Prime Minister.

Welcoming words to the man stepping into his worn down shoes.

Please read me. Pleeeeeaaaaase!

I'm really disappointed to be honest. I asked for ten readers and I end up with just three. That says it all. I am failing miserably in writing an entertaining blog that people read and think "I should tell my chums about this". Not like anybody would think that in the real world. I think this week I will set a target of one reader and then it's almost certain i'll reach my target and I may feel a little happier.
I really want to make this post good this week and therefore I have just surfed the BBC News website for some inspiration. Perhaps the election would bring some interesting goss. Or not. Still, nothing has changed and we're all still wondering which cock will rule the country. I then spotted a story entitled "Pornography row hits Wiki sites" and after selecting it I found that it was a story about the alleged use of child pornography on Wikipedia. I think it's probably best if I didn't talk about that. (You can still find that story on the BBC News homepage 10/05/10) I have hereby concluded that for once nothing even remotely interesting has happened in the news today. In fact, I just heard a journalist say on Radio 5 (don't ask) that there is only so many times he can say that the election-yness is "exciting and interesting" and that journalists are starting to disappear.
So how am I supposed to make this post interesting? I could chat about something furniture-related or for ages and bore you all incessantly (if I haven't already done so) or I could just mention that in passing as I normally do. But that seems to fail also. Maybe I should talk about my mother. She's always funny.
My mum is nothing short of the biggest odd-ball around. And I don't think she'll mind my saying that because she's odd and therefore she'll be odd in the fact she won't care. She regularly threatens to "smack me with her fist" or "slap me with her foot" and not in a child-abuse type manner, almost in a friendly manner. She should accompany these comments by excreting a small turd simultaneously and then she'd definitely be a lunatic.
She's recently become a proper house-wife - a proper mother, and has started doing the washing and the ironing and my bedding is changed more regularly (it's no longer an annual festival). Joke. Even more shockingly, she cooks! Chicken in white wine sauce, homemade tuna fishcakes, the lot. She is as she says "Gordon Brown". She regularly gets him and Gordon Ramsey a little muddled. Bless. See there I am saying "bless" as if she is an incontinent loon that should go on holiday to Switzerland. She isn't incontinent, because she spends most of the day on the toilet wee-ing anyway.
I don't want to portray my mother as an absolute freak show, because she isn't. She can cook, clean, wash, wipe her own bum even make her own drink if there's no-one there. She's lovely almost all of the time (except mornings and the times in which she advises me to become a rent boy). But she is incredulously funny. Her whole life revolves around tea, wees and Countrylife.
I think I'll classify the part in which I mentioned the bedding being changed as the part relevant to beds and other furniture related schizzle for this week. And instead of moaning and asking for people to read and comment I'm just going to try and find a funny picture from Google each week and paste that in instead.
Have a good week! x

xxx

It's eeezy – peeezy!

I don’t have Chlamydia! I don’t have Chlamydia! I don’t have Chlamydia!

Imagine me saying that in a tone of voice similar to that of an eleven year old boy bragging about his first pubic hair to one of his pre-pubescent chums. It would probably help if I followed it up with, ‘ner ner ner ner ner x 3’.
It is confirmed, I don’t have Chlamydia. I received an email earlier today notifying me and it read as follows (I’ve deleted boring parts):

This is COAST. Thank you for screening for Chlamydia recently. We are pleased to advise you that your test is NEGATIVE.


Now, here is some useful info to remember!


You should be re-screened routinely once per year between the ages of 15-24 if you remain with the same sexual partner.


If you change partners and have unprotected sex you should re-screen each time (but not more often than every 5 weeks).


 It is really important that we start to reduce the number of people with Chlamydia, as it can have serious effects – you can help us to do this by using condoms!


 its eeezy – peeezy



I do apologise for the lack of apostrophe in “it’s” on the last line. Clearly basic English skills are not required in the NHS. I also apologise for the misuse of the word “advise” in the second sentence. They are not giving me advice in telling me I’m Chlamydia free. They are informing me. And whilst I’m on the subject I’m also perturbed by the fact that it didn’t say “The coast is clear” as I was promised by those who had previously been tested – the virginityless friends. I am aware that I have created a new word there considering I have just moaned incessantly about spelling and grammar in the atrocious email above.

I have noticed that this week 6 people have clicked “read it” which means at least 6 people read it - obviously. I was kind of stating the obvious there. What’s better is that Pete didn’t read it and normally does and neither did my dad. Therefore, I believe I can get at least 8 people to read it this week. I would like to set myself the goal of attaining 10 readers this week. So if anyone is reading this can you click “read it” at the foot of the post and can you get anyone sitting next to you to read it also on their computers (so that they can click “read it” again without it saying you’ve already clicked it once.)

I realised earlier that my sense of humour leads me to laughing at the most immature of things. For example, I was on the bus home earlier today and I saw a sign that I’ve seen many times before that said “hump”. And it just looked, to me, like the government wanted a bit of a laugh and thought they'd have "hump". If it even is the government that makes that decision, I have no idea. However, I don’t believe anyone other than me can say that at 16 and above they find that funny.

I'm supposed to talk about something related to home improvements and I have been struggling for inspiration. That is until I was sat with Becky and Sinead at lunch time and took a look at the hideous sofa Becky's mum had bought. And because you can't by it at AAA Bedz (link at top) I can quite merrily slag it off for a little while. Though I think you could probably do it for yourself.

From a distance it doesn't look too bad but if you go on the website and look at it full size (last page of fabric sofas -DFS) you'll realise that it is just hideous. The stripes are hideous and quite chavvy. It looks quite dated. The colours are an abomination when combined and overall the sofa is just disastrous. I think you should all look at it, laugh, and feel sorry for Becky. She agrees with me so it's not like I'm being horrible because she detests it also.

Right, that shall conclude today's post because I am running out of things to say and anyone reading this is getting bored. Don't forget to click "read it" because I really want to get into double figures.

Love Peace etc. xxxxxxxxxxx

Chlamydia ridden milkshake!

Dear all of my massive 4 (as results show) readers.




Thank you for reading my posts regardless of your opinion. I do believe that there are at least 5 readers because last week someone informed me that they had read my post and the number of people who selected "read it" didn't rise. The majority of people who did read last week's post were under the impression that this was some "Stephen Hawkins" like hobby. By that I mean the kind of hobby that makes someone sound like a techno/computer geek, not someone with major paralysis. Not that I am, by any means, slagging off Stephen Hawkins. He is an incredibly intelligent specimen. I fear I may have just dug a rather large hole. Any who, back to the point, the fact is that this blog is a requirement from one of my employers (step-dad). And although I enjoy it, it isn't a pastime of mine.

About a week ago I received a letter from the NHS informing me about free Chlamydia tests for people of my age range. The letter lists an array of different symptoms of Chlamydia and how it can be treated. At first I cackled this off as my "sex life" is, shall we say, non-existent. However, at school today we had an assembly lecturing us on teenage pregnancy (at which point I had correctly guessed in front of 200 people that 40% of teenagers in Year 11 or below had lost their virginity - an educated guess that went a little too right) and contraception and then Chlamydia. The nurses who lectured us professed that what they were doing was not lecturing and nagging - just informing. The fact is they were lecturing and nagging and I don't blame them because the topics they were discussing are a problem and so often I hear the aesthetically more attractive students in school chatting about there Johnny-less sex.

Anyway, the nurses said that anyone that wanted one could, at the end of the assembly, collect a plastic pot and a basic details form for us to fill in. The aim being to urinate in the pot and give it back to them with the form. We were then given the choice of receiving our results via SMS, telephone, letter or email. I feel it necessary to highlight that the scheme is called COAST (Chlamydia, Outreach, Advice, Screening, Treatment) and, therefore, should you not have the infection your text or whatever informs you that the "coast is clear". This was intended to be some kind of code but by now everyone knows what it means - so it's basically just silly. I am intrigued, however, on what it would say if you had actually contracted the infection, perhaps, "the coast is not clear, there is an infestation of crabs".

When they first told us that we could do this I immediately thought that doing that would be pointless for me - until I realised that you gain a pair of yellow and black boxers with the slogan: "good clean tackle". However, I then had a thought. There are so many stories of people finding spit or semen in their cheeseburgers at McDonalds or wherever and, therefore, there was a possibility that someone in McDonalds could have had a cheeky 5 minutes on their own with my burger or more worryingly - my milkshake - the perfect camouflage. For this reason I took a pot and a form, filled the form in and went to the loo. I couldn't wee. 10 am and I hadn't drunk anything. This meant that I would have to return to the toilets that I normally dare not enter for hygiene reasons. On my second visit, I succeeded, just. I wrapped the label firmly around the pot and put in the plastic bag attached to the form and minced down the corridor to hand in my sample.

This was the location in which I would receive my boxers. To my eyes there was a choice of yellow or purple. I wanted purple. They were for girls and were in fact not boxers and, thus, the nurses kindly informed me that they would be a bit of a squeeze and for that reason I left the room with yellow boxers - my least favourite colour. What a waste of time. So now it is just a case of finding out whether my milkshake was contaminated, via email, in the next week. I'm pretty certain my coast is clear.

Now, due to the fact that this blog is supposed to be related to beds and furniture I shall discuss the benefits of having a King Size quilt on a single bed.

Yesterday I drank a milkshake and decided that the duvet etc needed changing :P Joke! My mother put my bedding in the wash yesterday and I requested the possibility of having a king size quilt on my single bed. My mother kindly obliged. So at about 7.30 pm, the duvet cover was ready and so I gathered it from the tumble dryer and proceeded to put over my quilt as normal. Now it is probably sensical (made up word) to inform you that I find this task nearing the limits of my practical ability with a single cover and because of this is took me 25 minutes to complete the task of putting the duvet cover on. But oh how it was worth it! I can now fully wrap my self more than once in this absolute tsunami of duvet at night. There is room for me and several pizzas. It is nothing short of bliss! I do have a peculiar necessity to fold the quilt over my feet due to my hatred of feet sticking out of the end of a quilt. And with a king size duvet, it's stupendously easy.

Now forgive me because I have noticed my incessant swapping in the previous paragraph between the words duvet and quilt. I do not think I know myself which one I prefer. I suppose I say quilt, but prefer the word duvet because it's French and I love French.

I think it is probably time to call an end to this week's post as you are now almost certainly at the point of "when does this end?" and you probably reached that point a paragraph in. I shall look forward to more people clicking "Read it" so feel free to promote and importantly comment.

xxxx

Vive la France.

Why am I even bothering? In the last two weeks nobody has even bothered to read my blog. Not even my mother. However, she is protesting that she never saw the link to it on my Facebook page in the first place and is, thus, advising me to re-post onto my wall. I suppose it answers my question from last week though. Nobody is reading this. Everyone is bored of it and I’m not really sure how to jazz it up to be honest. I can’t think of anything interesting to say regarding home-improvements. There’s nothing to say.

I’ve just returned from a week skiing at the resort of Vars in the French Alps. It was my first time skiing and at first I thought it would be my last. That won’t be the case. I loved it and I’m missing it terribly after only returning home 36 hours ago. The exhilaration of going parallel down a piste on a mountain that reaches a height of nearly 3000 metres is incredible, and I was only on the more basic slopes. The difficulty of a slope is classified and categorised using the following colours:

Yellow = Beginners

Green = Easy

Blue = Moderate

Red = Difficult

Black = Very Difficult

I am a beginner but by the end of the week I was feeling very confident on green and blue slopes and had even tackled a red without falling. I was, however, struggling immensely at the start as I failed to get the hang of a snow-plough. This is movement of your skis in which the front ends of them come together and the back ends drift apart, and is executed with the intention of slowing down or stopping. I couldn’t do it for the first two days. The first instructor we had even resorted to putting clips on the front of my skis like they give babies and yet I still couldn’t get the gist. When I finally learnt this, it was all go go go.
I then had to learn how to parallel turn and I still can’t do that. That is my primary aim for next time I go. And I advise everyone to go and do it!
The beds in our hostel thing were actually seemingly comfortable. They were basically some sponge with a sheet. Not memory foam but comfortable. They were, however, very short and a lot of our pillows were very lumpy, which was quite unpleasant. But as foreign mattresses go, they were not bad. Not bad at all!
It wasn’t my bedroom where the problems lay. The girls had a bath with a shower shoved on the tap and it didn’t drain efficiently. Instead, it repeatedly vomited pubic hair back up into the bath when they showered which was obviously undesirable for anyone. Millie’s mattress also had what seemed like a stain that resembled what could only be chocolate or turd. Because the latter of those possibilities brought up the most entertaining conversation we concluded that it was definitely turd.
If anybody reading this does want to go skiing (and I find that unlikely because last weeks experiment tells me that nobody is likely to be reading this) I would advise you to take plenty of cash if you’re planning on hitting Europe. A pint of lager costs €10 in our hotel, which is roughly £9.30 at the moment. It’s ridiculous.
Overall, skiing is unequivocally superb. And it is addictive. I really cannot wait to go again now. I would recommend it to everyone. But if by any chance you think a volcano may go off anywhere in the world during your trip, prepare for a 20 hour coach trip!

As I conclude this week’s post I will ask anyone reading this to select “read this” at the foot of the post. Thanks.

X

Hallelujah!

It has been what seems like years since I last posted, rather than a couple of weeks. And it's great to place my fingers back on the remaining half of the keyboard. Although it's a blog that is read by five people, perhaps, and I don't get the feeling of letting people down when I don't post, I try and imagine that the scenario is quite the opposite and that, in fact, there are a few million people all anticipating the birth of my next post.
In my last post and others prior to that I had used an array of vocabulary choices that had confused my mother amongst others. This, however, will not change anything within the contents of my blog as my incessant use of elongated jargon is me in a nutshell, and thus, I shall create a glossary at the bottom of the post, primarily for Mum.
The last week, for me, has been shall we say... repetitive. One of our suppliers has raised the cost of their items and therefore I have spent the last two weeks changing the prices on all of their items that we sell. I can only describe this experience as dull. Dull is a very tedious word in itself and my Dad, thus, detests it. He also believes that dull is a word that should only been used when describing the weather.
 My Dad is unequivocally a larger (outwards), shorter and slightly more pernickety version of me. This doesn't paint a particularly positive image of him, which is unfair because it's what's in the inside that counts. And if some of his weight diminished he would actually be quite handsome chap. Which makes me sound big-headed because i've just said i'm a mini-him. This was not my intention as any attempt to be pompous with regards to my appearance would be like a pumpkin bragging about its skinny figure to a cucumber.
I would like to gauge an idea into what number of people actually read this, and this has led me to a Eureka moment in which I change the settings on my reactions bar at the foot of the post and make one of my options "read it". If you have read this, could you please select this option and I can therefore gauge accurately the number of people who read the post.
With regards to home-improvements I am struggling to conjure up an idea of what to talk about. And as this is the real subject of the blog I better come up with something whilst I type this very and unecessarily and horrendously and unequivocally and incessantly long sentence.
I could talk about the fact that earlier today I requested to have my job-title changed and have been successful. I am now Public Relations (PR) Officer of AAA Bedz and Furniture! This is instead of Office Junior.
I have also been thinking about the possible re-decoration of my bedroom. But quizzing my mother about the possibility of this is pointless and stupid because I can't be arsed to ship everything out of my room just to give the walls a new lick of paint that i'll probably just as quickly detest. It is currently painted with two walls red and the other two white and is supposed to resemble the colours of my favourite football team, Nottingham Forest. I also have a Nottingham Forest duvet set, lamp, coaster, clock, light, other clock, bag, shirts, jumper, hat, glove (only one that I can find) and various other Forest related paraphernalia.
Well that is all for this week, I nearly typed folks here but I am neither old and I'm not sure if I would be being ambitious by using plural so I shall say nothing other than this uneccesary sentence.
I shalln't be posting next week because I am going skiing next week with school. I may not return. :P
xx

Glossary:

paraphernalia - belongings for particular purpose i.e. drugs paraphernalia

unequivocal - without doubt

incessant - endless

glossary - a selection of words used in the document with their definitions

elongated - long word for long

diminished - loss of -  I think

Eureka - I think someone shouted this in Greece in the bath and then proceeded to get out of the bath and run down the street naked.

xxx

Remember to click "Read it"

Hmmmph...

It's fair to say that I absolutely love writing this blog because it's not half as tedious as the other office duties that I have to complete. However, I am a little melancholy about the situation this week. It seems that I get more negative comments about my posts, than positive. But why? I would prefer it if people actually voiced their opinion and suggested a way of improving it, rather than "It was alright" or "Yeah, I, like, started reading your blog, but, then mum said there was a hyena in the back garden and I needed to shoo it away with an umbrella. So I didn't finish it" Can't people just tell me how to improve it? This way I can make improvements that will please the majority of readers (ambitious - majority of readers. That's like 3 out of 4 or something :P) and have far less negative or so-so comments.
A couple of people have mentioned how I waffle on somewhat. All I can say is - I don't need telling. I know I do, but it takes up time at work, which is always good. :) For this reason today's post will be no exception.
It's probably best to inform you now that if you want a new bed there's an extremely rare sale on at Dreams. One ended last week, or the week prior to that - I fail to recall which - and another has started this week. It's something like half-price on practically every bed. However, if you have noticed the hint of sarcasm there, you'll realise that Dreams isn't the place to be and it is in fact,  AAA Bedz and Furniture a place where you can get just as high a quality beds, for a much cheaper price. With free delivery also!

So, with a complete change of subject, I think I'll converse about something far more interesting - the last week. In a week where we find out that our saviour, David Beckham is ruled out of the World Cup, Ian Huntley has his throat slashed, Justin Bieber doesn't like Twiglets and Adrian Chiles has his hideous beard shaved for £61,500 - I have done nothing other than go to school; come home and worked; cleaned the bathrooms, kitchen (several times), chinchillas, goats and my bedroom; watched Sport Relief and Alan Carr:Chatty Man and ventured to my grandma's. So, this week has all been a little quiet, chez moi.

Has anyone, who is patient or bored enough to have made it this far down the post, done anything of interest in the last week? If so, leave me a comment informing me of this spectacular event, and I'll falsely pretend to be fascinated.
  I would like to take the opportunity to welcome my pulchritudinous father to the higgledy-piggledy world of my blog. I know you have twitter so you can follow me and, thus, bring my tally of followers to the grand total of 5!
I would also like to address a serious cause for concern. Last week, an array of specimens attempted to comment on my blog, and the system let them down. I do apologise profusely. All I can say is, comment this week and it should work. Furthermore, although my first paragraph addressed my melancholy mood due to a plethora of negative comments, my poll has only received one negative comment and all the other votes are very nice. So that's all jolly good.
It's now probably a good time to end the blog even though I've still got ages left at work. Oh well, please comment, and vote and such.
Arrivederci! X